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3 Steps to a New
Relationship
Finding a partner for single people
by Martin Brossman
Not long after I started dating my wife, Barbara, I
mentioned to my neighbor that I was dating someone I
had known as a friend for about 7 years. She asked
if Barbara met the criteria I had on my ‘list’ and I
didn’t know what she meant. Then I remembered that
I had told her about a technique I offered to some
single clients who had come to me for coaching when
they were interested in meeting someone, and that I
had done it myself and then saved it away, just as I
advised my clients to do, and had gone about living
my life. I opened it up on my computer while I was
on the phone with Barbara, explaining the idea,
which she thought was intriguing, so I decided to
send it to her. At about the same moment I realized
I needed to leave or I would be late for my
volunteer job at Duke Hospital, so I left the house
without getting a chance to read the list I had
written, just attaching the list and hitting the
send button. After a few hours doing rounds of
taking humor to cancer patients, I called Barbara to
say hello as I drove home. When she answered I could
hear the obvious signs of crying, though I had a
poor cell phone connection and couldn’t hear what
she was saying. My first thought was that it may not
have been the wisest thing to send my forgotten list
before I read over it. Then as the reception
improved, I heard what she was saying. “I just read
the list. It’s me’, she sniffled. She explained
that the qualities I had outlined almost entirely
described her as the person I was looking for. I
was delighted at the result, and deeply touched.
Now it is my pleasure to explain this process that I
developed and have used successfully with many
clients. If you are looking for a relationship, you
may explore this technique and see what happens. Of
course I do not assume this will work in all
situations or for all people, but it costs little
more than a bit of your time. If you are looking for
a relationship, you may explore this technique and
see what happens!
Write or type (for some reason writing seems to work
best).
You will be creating three separate sections or
pages, using as much space as you desire.
1)
List exactly what you would like in a
partner, being REALLY honest with yourself. You do
not need to show this to anyone and you may never.
What would they ‘be like’, what would they sound
like, what would they act like, what would they look
like, etc. So clear that if we had a way to actually
create this person, we would have enough information
to do so.
2)
Describe all of your own abilities,
characteristics, innate gifts. Include the ways in
which you would be attractive to this person
currently. Why would this person want to be with
YOU? If you get stuck on this, you may use a
trusted friend or a life coach to help you.
3)
Look back at the person that you first
described and ask: “What areas of my life can I
improve on that would make me more attractive to
this ideal person who is also aligned with who I
want to be more like?” If you come up with things
like being taller or getting plastic surgery, throw
these items out. Use questions which assume the fact
that you have examined what would make you enjoy
just spending time with yourself. If you have not
explored that, you may need to do this first. Note
that it may take several times of going through this
to get to the essence of it. Add these items to
your list.
4)
When you have this all written out, take the
items of improvement, along with the areas which
would increase
your enjoyment of
solitary activities, and find ways to start
developing this. Then truly put away the paper and
don’t ‘focus’ on the actual person. Some clients
have chosen only to keep the last part and get rid
of the first description of the imagined person.
For an example, you may realize that you’ll be more
attractive to your ideal partner if you are more
physically fit, which is something that would also
let you feel better and enjoy your own life more.
But if you decide that no possible partner would
never accept someone with a nose as big as yours or
they would only want someone taller, you need to
disregard these thoughts and\ explore the
possibility that someone will like you just the way
you are. By your focusing continually on a
shortcoming as a problem, you may convince someone
that it is a problem even though they originally
didn’t perceive any problem. This all points to you
enjoying your own life more, which is the core of
this process, getting yourself out mingling with
people and not habitually staying home touching up
photos on your computer.
The simple fact is focusing on ‘finding someone’ is
not as effective as truly taking on your on life and
enjoying it more WITH other people. Desperate seldom
sells, and tends to attract a person looking for a
desperate person to take advantage of.
A few other tips I have found in working with people
in developing relationships is:
1)
If you move too fast, it will usually burn
out fast and you will miss critical pieces of
information about them that YOU really need to know.
If they are too excited to move too fast you should
move AWAY faster.
2)
Keep key friends in your life active and
alive. If there is not room for them along with the
relationship, that is a sign you are getting out of
balance and will probably have LOTS of time for your
friends as the relationships ends.
3)
Remember a ‘date’ is an agreed upon meeting
time. Don’t make it mean too much; this person could
be a good friend. I remember t ‘speed singles’ event
I attended when I was single a women sat in front of
me and said ‘You’re too young for me,’ and I
replied, ‘I didn’t realize you were THAT OLD!’ .
4)
Make sure you have a good mix of doing things
which involve other people, that you can enjoy, and
where you could imagine a person of the quality you
want to meet would be.
My bottom line advice
when it comes to meeting someone? There is no one
‘right way.’ And there is nothing more attractive
and desirable than someone fully enjoying his or her
life. This may involve ‘not feeling like you’ to get
to this state-- and that may be a good thing.
The last and most
important piece is to remember the art of ‘courting’
is more important in keeping a relationship
passionate and alive than it is in starting one!
Martin Brossman is a Rapid Results Success Coach
with 13 years experience working with diverse
clients worldwide.
Martin@CoachingSupport.com (919) 847-4757
www.CoachingSupport.com
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